Post by rsafan on Jan 29, 2007 4:52:26 GMT -5
Chapter 35
“Hey there sleeping beauty.” Shawn said as he popped his head around the door.
Victoria sat up and smiled at him, “Hey, come on in.”
Shawn did as he was told and came to sit beside his sister, “So how are you feeling?”
“A lot better than I was last week, especially now that the bruises are fading.” She touched her face self-consciously.
Shawn laughed at her actions, “Typical female, always worried about how they look.”
“So,” she said, “why haven’t you been by to see me?”
“I have, I’ve been round several times; you just weren’t awake.”
“I think I’ve slept more this week than I ever have, you’d think being unconscious for two weeks would ensure that you’re well rested. But enough about me, how are things standing with you and Mimi?”
Shawn frowned at her, not liking her change in topic, then sighed, “Strained to say the least. You’d think things would be smooth sailing but they’re just…and it’s not exactly easy having Rex around either.”
“Oh Shawn, you cannot seriously be threatened by Rex, he’s got a girlfriend and a life in Chicago. He is not going to come between the two of you.”
“That’s what my mind tells me, but it’s not that easy to convince the heart.”
She patted his hand in comfort, “Maybe now that the worry over me has passed, you should take her away on some romantic getaway.”
He shook his head, “Wouldn’t work, she’s not leaving town any time soon, her words not mine and I don’t think she’d leave Zach behind, wouldn’t amount to much of a romantic time with him along for the ride.”
“It could be.” she said encouragingly.
“Nah, maybe a few weeks ago but she’s been acting way off lately. Like she can’t even stomach being in the same room with me.”
“And you think that it has something to do with Rex?”
“Yes, no, I don’t know.” he finished frustratingly, “All I know is that she keeps pulling away. I don’t know what I did, but I know I must’ve done something. Speaking of which, have you spoken to Max yet?”
She was silent for a moment, thinking of what to say, how much to say. “We’ve spoken, he’s been by everyday.”
“And?” he prompted.
“And what?” she asked him.
“Have you sorted through everything you needed to? He felt really guilty, kept blaming himself for the accident and was sure you’d blame him too.”
She sighed, she didn’t really enjoy when the conversation turned towards the baby. She hated that everyone knew that there was one, that there no longer was one. “Like I said, we’ve spoken.”
Shawn took the hint and quickly changed the topic, “So I guess you’ve heard our parents have been spending quite a lot of time with your mom, she even had photo albums sent down so they could pour over it together.”
“Yes, my mom said. Apparently she’s letting out all my secrets, I’m glad they get on.”
“You have no idea how worried mom was that Gillian would be angry with her, or dislike her for some reason.”
Tory shook her head, “That’s absurd, my mom’s not like that. And she was the one who encouraged me to find my family; she was also the one who made me stay here over Christmas.”
*****
Max arrived shortly after Shawn left, it seemed to her as though everyone was taking turns, ensuring she was never alone long enough to actually get a grip on everything that had happened in the last few weeks.
“Up for conversation or would you rather get some rest?”
She shook her head, “No, it’s fine we need to talk anyway.”
He swallowed, that sounded ominous. Was she about to rant and rave and say she never wanted to see his face again? Because that was what he’d been expecting since she woke up and so far it hadn’t happened. He sat down in the chair beside her bed and asked, “So what was it you wanted to talk about?”
“I wanted to apologise.” she said softly.
He stared at he flabbergasted, “YOU want to apologise?”
She nodded, “For my reaction that night. I wasn’t fair to you; I hit you with this life altering news and expected you to simply accept it. I took your reaction as a reflection on what you felt for me and that wasn’t fair.”
He shook his head, wanting to explain. “Tory…” he said, but she interrupted him.
“No, let me finish. I have to say this. I knew about the baby weeks before I told you. I know I made it seem as though it had all been a surprise for me as well, but it wasn’t. When I found out that I could be pregnant, I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. I was way too young to be a mother, emotionally I mean, and I wasn’t sure you were ready to be a father either so I took the test and when it came out positive, I immediately told myself the test was wrong. So I ignored the result and tried to continue as though nothing had happened but I’d read one too many books and knew that those tests were mostly wrong when indicating negatives. I ignored the test result but I couldn’t ignore my own body, I’d be doing something and suddenly catch myself with my hand on my belly, there were often times, if you recall when I’d have this stupid grin on my face.”
“I’d ask you what made you smile and you’d say it wasn’t anything in particular.”
“The day I told you, was the day I made the doctor’s appointment. Although by then it was a moot point, I already knew that I was pregnant, had known for sure for about five weeks. I came home and I just told you, I didn’t prepare you for anything, you had no idea what I was about to spring on you and your reaction was totally normal.” She paused, took a deep breath and looked him in the eye before continuing, “And you were a lot calmer than I was when I first realised. I need to tell you how sorry I am for the way…”
“No,” this time he interrupted her, “you have no need to apologise. I acted like an idiot and I’m the one who should be apologising.”
She shook her head as tears fell, “No, no please don’t say you’re sorry. I’m the one who should be sorry, don’t you get it? I knew, I had known for weeks.” She grabbed his right hand and placed it on her chest, over her heart; she reached out and cupped his face with her free hand, “I needed you to tell me everything would be okay when you were the one who needed reassurance. I was so selfish.”
He shook his head, denying her claim. She nodded hers, affirming it, “I’m the one who should have been there for you Max, I should have let you rant and rave all you wanted. I had already accepted and lived with the fact that we were going to have a baby. You deserved my understanding and you never got it, instead I acted like a spoilt brat and took off. I got myself into an accident and killed our baby, I almost killed myself.”
“Victoria that accident was not your fault.”
“If I hadn’t been so upset, if I had been more understanding, less rigid, our baby would still be alive.” As though saying the words were some sort of release from the haze she’d been in since she had awaken, her eyes widened and her grip on his hand tightened, “I killed our baby, I’m responsible. Everyone keeps saying it was an accident but it’s all my fault, all of it.”
Max cupped her face in his hands, “No Victoria this is not your fault. Look at me!” he said when she simply shook her head, “It was an accident, no one blames you and you shouldn’t blame yourself. If you want to blame someone, blame the idiot who caused the accident. This is not your fault.”
She reached her hands up to his, “Of course it is; it’s easy to say that but if I hadn’t been in that car, I wouldn’t have been in that pile up and our baby might still be alive. Our baby is gone Max, do you not get that? My baby is gone.” She was no longer looking at him, “I feel so empty, that’s why I feel so empty. That’s why…” She dropped her hands from his and hugged herself, rocking back and forth.
Max sat with her on the bed and took her in his arms; he rocked with her while whispering soothing words. They didn’t seem to be working because she continued rocking and murmuring to herself, “Make it stop, make it stop.”
“Hey there sleeping beauty.” Shawn said as he popped his head around the door.
Victoria sat up and smiled at him, “Hey, come on in.”
Shawn did as he was told and came to sit beside his sister, “So how are you feeling?”
“A lot better than I was last week, especially now that the bruises are fading.” She touched her face self-consciously.
Shawn laughed at her actions, “Typical female, always worried about how they look.”
“So,” she said, “why haven’t you been by to see me?”
“I have, I’ve been round several times; you just weren’t awake.”
“I think I’ve slept more this week than I ever have, you’d think being unconscious for two weeks would ensure that you’re well rested. But enough about me, how are things standing with you and Mimi?”
Shawn frowned at her, not liking her change in topic, then sighed, “Strained to say the least. You’d think things would be smooth sailing but they’re just…and it’s not exactly easy having Rex around either.”
“Oh Shawn, you cannot seriously be threatened by Rex, he’s got a girlfriend and a life in Chicago. He is not going to come between the two of you.”
“That’s what my mind tells me, but it’s not that easy to convince the heart.”
She patted his hand in comfort, “Maybe now that the worry over me has passed, you should take her away on some romantic getaway.”
He shook his head, “Wouldn’t work, she’s not leaving town any time soon, her words not mine and I don’t think she’d leave Zach behind, wouldn’t amount to much of a romantic time with him along for the ride.”
“It could be.” she said encouragingly.
“Nah, maybe a few weeks ago but she’s been acting way off lately. Like she can’t even stomach being in the same room with me.”
“And you think that it has something to do with Rex?”
“Yes, no, I don’t know.” he finished frustratingly, “All I know is that she keeps pulling away. I don’t know what I did, but I know I must’ve done something. Speaking of which, have you spoken to Max yet?”
She was silent for a moment, thinking of what to say, how much to say. “We’ve spoken, he’s been by everyday.”
“And?” he prompted.
“And what?” she asked him.
“Have you sorted through everything you needed to? He felt really guilty, kept blaming himself for the accident and was sure you’d blame him too.”
She sighed, she didn’t really enjoy when the conversation turned towards the baby. She hated that everyone knew that there was one, that there no longer was one. “Like I said, we’ve spoken.”
Shawn took the hint and quickly changed the topic, “So I guess you’ve heard our parents have been spending quite a lot of time with your mom, she even had photo albums sent down so they could pour over it together.”
“Yes, my mom said. Apparently she’s letting out all my secrets, I’m glad they get on.”
“You have no idea how worried mom was that Gillian would be angry with her, or dislike her for some reason.”
Tory shook her head, “That’s absurd, my mom’s not like that. And she was the one who encouraged me to find my family; she was also the one who made me stay here over Christmas.”
*****
Max arrived shortly after Shawn left, it seemed to her as though everyone was taking turns, ensuring she was never alone long enough to actually get a grip on everything that had happened in the last few weeks.
“Up for conversation or would you rather get some rest?”
She shook her head, “No, it’s fine we need to talk anyway.”
He swallowed, that sounded ominous. Was she about to rant and rave and say she never wanted to see his face again? Because that was what he’d been expecting since she woke up and so far it hadn’t happened. He sat down in the chair beside her bed and asked, “So what was it you wanted to talk about?”
“I wanted to apologise.” she said softly.
He stared at he flabbergasted, “YOU want to apologise?”
She nodded, “For my reaction that night. I wasn’t fair to you; I hit you with this life altering news and expected you to simply accept it. I took your reaction as a reflection on what you felt for me and that wasn’t fair.”
He shook his head, wanting to explain. “Tory…” he said, but she interrupted him.
“No, let me finish. I have to say this. I knew about the baby weeks before I told you. I know I made it seem as though it had all been a surprise for me as well, but it wasn’t. When I found out that I could be pregnant, I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. I was way too young to be a mother, emotionally I mean, and I wasn’t sure you were ready to be a father either so I took the test and when it came out positive, I immediately told myself the test was wrong. So I ignored the result and tried to continue as though nothing had happened but I’d read one too many books and knew that those tests were mostly wrong when indicating negatives. I ignored the test result but I couldn’t ignore my own body, I’d be doing something and suddenly catch myself with my hand on my belly, there were often times, if you recall when I’d have this stupid grin on my face.”
“I’d ask you what made you smile and you’d say it wasn’t anything in particular.”
“The day I told you, was the day I made the doctor’s appointment. Although by then it was a moot point, I already knew that I was pregnant, had known for sure for about five weeks. I came home and I just told you, I didn’t prepare you for anything, you had no idea what I was about to spring on you and your reaction was totally normal.” She paused, took a deep breath and looked him in the eye before continuing, “And you were a lot calmer than I was when I first realised. I need to tell you how sorry I am for the way…”
“No,” this time he interrupted her, “you have no need to apologise. I acted like an idiot and I’m the one who should be apologising.”
She shook her head as tears fell, “No, no please don’t say you’re sorry. I’m the one who should be sorry, don’t you get it? I knew, I had known for weeks.” She grabbed his right hand and placed it on her chest, over her heart; she reached out and cupped his face with her free hand, “I needed you to tell me everything would be okay when you were the one who needed reassurance. I was so selfish.”
He shook his head, denying her claim. She nodded hers, affirming it, “I’m the one who should have been there for you Max, I should have let you rant and rave all you wanted. I had already accepted and lived with the fact that we were going to have a baby. You deserved my understanding and you never got it, instead I acted like a spoilt brat and took off. I got myself into an accident and killed our baby, I almost killed myself.”
“Victoria that accident was not your fault.”
“If I hadn’t been so upset, if I had been more understanding, less rigid, our baby would still be alive.” As though saying the words were some sort of release from the haze she’d been in since she had awaken, her eyes widened and her grip on his hand tightened, “I killed our baby, I’m responsible. Everyone keeps saying it was an accident but it’s all my fault, all of it.”
Max cupped her face in his hands, “No Victoria this is not your fault. Look at me!” he said when she simply shook her head, “It was an accident, no one blames you and you shouldn’t blame yourself. If you want to blame someone, blame the idiot who caused the accident. This is not your fault.”
She reached her hands up to his, “Of course it is; it’s easy to say that but if I hadn’t been in that car, I wouldn’t have been in that pile up and our baby might still be alive. Our baby is gone Max, do you not get that? My baby is gone.” She was no longer looking at him, “I feel so empty, that’s why I feel so empty. That’s why…” She dropped her hands from his and hugged herself, rocking back and forth.
Max sat with her on the bed and took her in his arms; he rocked with her while whispering soothing words. They didn’t seem to be working because she continued rocking and murmuring to herself, “Make it stop, make it stop.”
